Journalists at the New York Times and the Associated Press are running out of adjectives to describe Barack Obama according to Sykes Scientific Research, a non-profit organization dedicated to the Scientific Wild-A** Guess principle.

"There are only so many ways to praise someone," said Ellworth Mauger, a staunch proponent of SWAG. "How can you adequately describe the last hope of America, a prince among men?"

"Words cannot properly express my admiration for Obama," gushed Emily Wankette, girl reporter for the Associated Press. "I get tingly just thinking about him. I steal everything I can fron the Daily Kos and the Huffington Post, but it really doesn't do him justice. I have worn out my thesaurus thumbing through it looking for synonyms for divine. I will be glad when Obama wins this election by a landslide so I can get back to writing obituaries and classifieds. It is just so much easier."

The shortage of ways to elevate Obama has spread to television journalism, making media pundits and video editors scratch their heads in perplexity.

"We are working on a faint halo effect for his noble head," explained Wolf Blitzer of CNN. "I believe that will help. It has to be subtle, or else it will look like a cheesy version of Catholicism. We have to walk a fine line. We don't want to alienate any atheists. You know how they are. We considered footage of him walking across the Potomac, but discarded it for the same reason."

David Letterman, an NBC talk show host who was funny ten years ago, is also troubled by the dearth of proper praise for Obama. "We just do the best we can with what we have," explained the ex-weatherman from Indiana. "We are going to re-broadcast Obama's acceptance speech with the future leader of the free world wearing a laurel on his precious brow in front of those Greek columns at the football field with Paul Shaffer softly playing Handel's Messiah on a kazoo in the background. Several members of our staff cried when we floated the idea. It's the least we can do after all he has promised us. Besides, it will frost John McCain who had the temerity not to sit and listen to my wit for ten minutes. That was just plain rude"

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo courtesy of jurvetson.

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(Satire)  Obama campaign manager David Plouffe announced Wednesday that Barack Obama would debate himself Friday after John McCain postponed his appearance at the scheduled debate to tend to business in Washington.

"The American people have the right and the need to hear Barack Obama. In fact, they have the duty. If John McCain doesn't show up, we will go on without him. Senator Obama has the uncanny ability to take both sides of an issue and that ability will stand him in good stead this Friday. If a crisis occurs, Senator Obama will fax the solution to congress. It's not like they listen to him anyway."

Commentators were ecstatic over Obama's decision.

"It won't make a bit of difference to me whether McCain shows or not," said Keith Olbermann. "We had only planned to show clips of Obama on my show anyway. We can have our staff of political experts speculate as to what John McCain would have said. It will be no different than speculating over what he did say."

"Trust McCain to run off to congress to do his job when there is an important debate to be televised," said Wolf Blitzer. "I knew he would weasel out. The American people have the right to see that Barack Obama is taller than John McCain. Everyone but John Kerry knows that the taller candidate always wins the debate on TV. Ask Jimmy Carter. If he had been six inches taller, we would never have had to endure Reaganomics. "

Campbell Brown reacted angrily. "That sexist McCain should let Sarah Palin off the leash and send her to debate Obama. What is the problem here? I want to know why the Governor of Alaska has never visited any foreign leader. Is she just shy? Everybody knows that state governors should be off visiting in Europe and Asia. Who cares if they have no authority to make treaties or policies for the federal government? I want to know why she doesn't want to talk to me or any other member of the press. All we want to do is ask her if she is really the mother of her child and other pertinent questions. Obama will do just fine without them."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

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Rumors from unconfirmed sources flew on the campaign trail Monday that Barack Obama had hired former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson to toughen up the candidate's image.

"It makes perfect sense for Obama to hire Tyson," said Keith Olbermann, who still has a job at MSNBC. "He definitely needs to toughen up his image after being beat up by an Alaskan bimbo who can't pronounce nuclear. Iron Mike has tremendous respect in the black community. Maybe some of it will rub off on Obama."

"I hate to say it, but Obama is looking pretty wimpy," added Anderson Cooper of CNN. "Nobody really believes that Obama could actually take Sarah Palin one on one on the basketball court. She would probably slip by him for an easy lay-up. That would be political suicide."

Recent polls show Obama slipping among voters over 35 with bowling averages higher than 100. Experts say that Obama cannot win without them.

"It's crunch time," said political analyst James Carville, who is fond of sports metaphors. "Obama needs to fight his way out of the corner and Mike Tyson is just the man to show him how. He needs to stick and move."

Savvy political insiders believe that Obama's move to hire Tyson is a direct response to Chuck Norris stumping for the McCain/Palin ticket. Mr. Norris recently beat up Arianna Huffington on a national television broadcast and sending Tyson after Sarah Palin would even the score. Still, there are those who doubt the efficacy of the move.

"Barack Obama couldn't even kill an inflationary tax proposal, let alone a bull moose in full rut," said syndicated columnist Ann Coulter. "If he sends Tyson after Palin, look for Iron Mike to go down in three."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

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