Journalists at the New York Times and the Associated Press are running out of adjectives to describe Barack Obama according to Sykes Scientific Research, a non-profit organization dedicated to the Scientific Wild-A** Guess principle.

"There are only so many ways to praise someone," said Ellworth Mauger, a staunch proponent of SWAG. "How can you adequately describe the last hope of America, a prince among men?"

"Words cannot properly express my admiration for Obama," gushed Emily Wankette, girl reporter for the Associated Press. "I get tingly just thinking about him. I steal everything I can fron the Daily Kos and the Huffington Post, but it really doesn't do him justice. I have worn out my thesaurus thumbing through it looking for synonyms for divine. I will be glad when Obama wins this election by a landslide so I can get back to writing obituaries and classifieds. It is just so much easier."

The shortage of ways to elevate Obama has spread to television journalism, making media pundits and video editors scratch their heads in perplexity.

"We are working on a faint halo effect for his noble head," explained Wolf Blitzer of CNN. "I believe that will help. It has to be subtle, or else it will look like a cheesy version of Catholicism. We have to walk a fine line. We don't want to alienate any atheists. You know how they are. We considered footage of him walking across the Potomac, but discarded it for the same reason."

David Letterman, an NBC talk show host who was funny ten years ago, is also troubled by the dearth of proper praise for Obama. "We just do the best we can with what we have," explained the ex-weatherman from Indiana. "We are going to re-broadcast Obama's acceptance speech with the future leader of the free world wearing a laurel on his precious brow in front of those Greek columns at the football field with Paul Shaffer softly playing Handel's Messiah on a kazoo in the background. Several members of our staff cried when we floated the idea. It's the least we can do after all he has promised us. Besides, it will frost John McCain who had the temerity not to sit and listen to my wit for ten minutes. That was just plain rude"

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo courtesy of jurvetson.

Gunner Sykes

Commentators at MSNBC were livid Monday when CNN announced it had hired Tina Fey to play Sarah Palin for mock interviews with the Republican nominee for Vice President.

"This is bad news for America," whined Keith Olbermann. "All news networks should have equal access to Tina Fey. She interviews much better than Sarah Palin, and is much more accessible. We have been forced to re-write the news for the next eleven days because of CNN's greed."

"As the line blurs between reportage and the absurd, it is absolutely necessary that people who play political figures be readily available to anyone who wants to do a hatchet job in the name of journalistic integrity," echoed Pat Buchanan.

"Signing Ms. Fey to a two-month contract assures that no shortage of Palin material will stop us from daily reports maligning Governor Palin," crowed Wolf Blitzer, of CNN. "We will save enough money on film editing to pay Ms. Fey's contract. No one can predict what Governor Palin will say or do. Instead of spending hours editing video to present Sarah Palin in the worst possible light, we will be able to script our interviews. This decision benefits our viewers and saves us a few bucks."

"Tina and I have always worked well together," said Cambell Brown. "I look forward to working with her. No one can feed me a straight line like Tina."

Reports that Fox News had plans to interview a marionette closely resembling Barack Obama were quickly denied by Bill O'Reilly. "We thought about it, but decided that a hand puppet would be more appropriate. Cheaper, too."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Gunner Sykes